This quote was supposed to be my journal prompt today, but I found myself too wrapped up in my thoughts about it to write a physical word down. In an effort to string together a coherent paragraph of worth, I went for a walk in the harbour; I love watching the boats come in and out. On nice days, it is easy to strike up a conversation with someone filling up at the floating gas station. It’s incredible how many places people sail from to wind up at a small Petro in the harbour of Nanaimo. Some people find the busyness and varying gasoline-related smells to be distracting; I find being near the busy oceanfront often puts things into perspective for me.
There were no conversations today. Instead, I thought about what it feels like to be half-loved. I am no stranger to the waxing and waning of love – my entire life, I have been half-loved. (Don’t mistake this statement for a fact I should be pitied for. On the contrary, it’s something I take ownership of, and am actively working to change). To me, love equals fulfillment of some kind. With this idea in mind, I reflected: in what areas of my life have I felt unfulfilled? Relationships, of course, are a given. I have been half-fulfilled, and half-loved in many relationships throughout my life. I have stayed in relationships far too long in hope of the person I fell in love with to resurface, to avoid financial struggles, and, (frankly), because I didn’t want to be alone. But – at the risk of sounding brash – who hasn’t? It is easy to put the shame of half-loving on another person. But – hear me out – is this not an extension of me half-loving myself?
Likewise, I have worked jobs that made my heart so heavy, I couldn’t stand up in the morning, and I stayed. I have skipped the gym, and cried about it on the couch hours later. I have filled my body with processed foods and sugars. I have been reckless in ways I can’t justify as being ‘spontaneously adventurous.’ I have made drunken decisions that fill my cheeks with flame to remember. In so many areas of my life, I know I can do better; I know I deserve better. In so many areas of my life, I am half-loving myself.
I did not have a ‘eureka’ moment during this coastal reflection, but it did inspire me to move forward with intention. I truly am too full of life (and opportunities, and motivation, and creativity!) to be half-loved. By lovers. By employers. By friends. By my own self.